Be careful what you wear (or don't wear!), when working under your vehicle... From Australia's Sydney Morning Herald, comes this story of a couple who drove their car until it broke down in a shopping mall parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underwear turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches to his head. (reported by the Sydney Morning Herald)

A police officer pulled a guy over for speeding. Officer: May I see your driver’s license? Driver: I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI. Officer: May I see the owner’s card for this vehicle? Driver: It’s not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen? Driver: That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner’s card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there. Officer: There’s a gun in the glove box? Driver: Yes sir. That’s where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk. Officer: There’s a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!? Driver: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation: Captain: Sir, can I see your license? Driver: Sure. Here it is. It is valid. Captain: Who’s car is this? Driver: It’s mine, officer. Here’s the owner’ card. Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in it? Driver: Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it. Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there’s a body in it. Driver: No problem. As you can see it's empty. Captain: I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk. Driver: Yeah and I’ll bet that the lying sombich told you I was speeding, too. (original source unknown) A city man was tooling down a country road when his car sputtered to a complete stop near a field filled with cows. The driver, getting out to see what was the matter, noticed one of the cows looking at him. "I believe it's your radiator," said the cow. The man nearly jumped right out of his city slicker britches! He ran to the nearest farmhouse and knocked on the door. "A cow just gave me advice about my car!" he shouted, waving his arms franticly back toward the field. The farmer nonchalantly leaned out beyond the door frame to glance down the field. "The cow with two big black spots on it?" the farmer asked slowly. "Yes! Yes! That's the one!" the excited man replied. "Oh. Well, that's Ethel," the farmer said, turning back to the man. "Don't pay any attention to her. She doesn't know a thing about cars." (original source unknown)

German automotive phrases (with apologies!) Indicator Lights     Die Blinkenleiten Tickentocken Windscreen Wipers     Der flippenflappenmuckenschpredder Exhaust Pipe     Spitzenpoppenhangentuben Power Brakes     Der edbangeronvinschreen stoppenquick Seat Belts     Der klunkenklikken frauleinstrapper Rear Seat     Der Schpringentester Backfire     Der Lowdenbangermekkenjumpen Accident     Das Bleedinkmess Near Accident     Der Phewn Near Schittenselfen Garage     Der Hieway Robberung Fuel Gauge     Der Walletemptyung Meter (collected at Michigan State University)

These are excerpts from actual car accident insurance claims! - The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention. - I thought my window was down but found it was up when I put my hand through it. - A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. - The guy was all over the place. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. - I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment. - The accident occured when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle. - I was driving my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before. - I was on my way to the doctor's with rear-end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident. - As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. - The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end. - To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian. - My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle. - An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished. - When I saw I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car. - The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran him over. - I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car. - Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have. - The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth. (collected by an insurance company and submitted to Ann Landers)

The following were collected from Saturday Traffic School (for moving violation offenders). Q:  Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road? A:  What for? He can't see my license plate. Q:  Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time? A:  The pickup truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do." Q:  What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car? A:  Always wear a condom. Q:  When driving through fog, what should you use? A:  Your car. Q:  What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving? A:  I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster. Q:  What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully? A:  I would be forced to drive unlawfully. Q:  What are some points to remember when passing or being passed? A:  Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute. Q:  What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light? A:  The color. Q:  How do you deal with heavy traffic? A:  Heavy psychedelics. Q:  What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem? A:  Carry loaded weapons. (collected by the California Department of Transportation's Driving School)

For the engineers among us who understand that the obvious is not always the solution, and that the facts, no matter how implausible, are still the facts ... A complaint was received by the Pontiac Division of General Motors: "This is the second time I have written you, and I don't blame you for not answering me, because I kind of sounded crazy, but it is a fact that we have a tradition in our family of ice cream for dessert after dinner each night. But the kind of ice cream varies so, every night, after we've eaten, the whole family votes on which kind of ice cream we should have and I drive down to the store to get it. It's also a fact that I recently purchased a new Pontiac and since then my trips to the store have created a problem. You see, every time I buy vanilla ice cream, when I start back from the store my car won't start. If I get any other kind of ice cream, the car starts just fine. I want you to know I'm serious about this question, no matter how silly it sounds: 'What is there about a Pontiac that makes it not start when I get vanilla ice cream, and easy to start whenever I get any other kind?'" The Pontiac President was understandably skeptical about the letter, but sent an engineer to check it out anyway. The latter was surprised to be greeted by a successful, obviously well-educated man in a fine neighborhood. He had arranged to meet the man just after dinner time, so the two hopped into the car and drove to the ice cream store. It was vanilla ice cream that night and, sure enough, after they came back to the car, it wouldn't start. The engineer returned for three more nights. The first night, the man got chocolate. The car started. The second night, he got strawberry. The car started. The third night he ordered vanilla. The car failed to start. Now the engineer, being a logical man, refused to believe that this man's car was allergic to vanilla ice cream. He arranged, therefore, to continue his visits for as long as it took to solve the problem. And toward this end he began to take notes: he jotted down all sorts of data, time of day, type of gas used, time to drive back and forth, etc. In a short time, he had a clue: the man took less time to buy vanilla than any other flavor. Why? The answer was in the layout of the store. Vanilla, being the most popular flavor, was in a separate case at the front of the store for quick pickup. All the other flavors were kept in the back of the store at a different counter where it took considerably longer to find the flavor and get checked out. Now the question for the engineer was why the car wouldn't start when it took less time. Once time became the problem-not the vanilla ice cream-the engineer quickly came up with the answer: vapor lock. It was happening every night, but the extra time taken to get the other flavors allowed the engine to cool down sufficiently to start. When the man got vanilla, the engine was still too hot for the vapor lock to dissipate. Moral of the story: even insane-looking problems are sometimes real. (collected at General Motors)

Automotive companies don't have help lines for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers. But what if they did! HelpLine:   "Automotive HelpLine, how can I help you?" Customer:  "I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened" HelpLine:   "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?" Customer:  "What's an ignition?" HelpLine:   "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine." Customer:  "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all these technical terms just to use my car?" HelpLine:   "Automotive HelpLine, how can I help you?" Customer:  "My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere" HelpLine:   "Is the gas tank empty?" Customer:  "Huh? How do I know?" HelpLine:   "There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?" Customer:  "It's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?" HelpLine:   "It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to install it for you." Customer:  "What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!" HelpLine:   "Automotive HelpLine, how can I help you?" Customer:  "Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes and power door locks." HelpLine:   "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?" Customer:  "How do I work it?" HelpLine:   "Do you know how to drive?" Customer:  "Do I know how to what?" HelpLine:   "Do you know how to drive?" Customer:  "I'm not a technical person, I just want to go places in my car!" (original source unknown)

A real estate mogul in Beverly Hills buys a BIG, new, full-load Mercedes-Benz. He pulls out of the dealership, comes to a stoplight and encounters a guy driving a similar full-load Mercedes-Benz. He says..."do you have the V12 ?" "Yep" "Do you have the phone and fax machine?" "Sure do" "Do you have the TV set?" "Of course . . .   and I have the bed!"  And with that the man drives off. The first Mercedes owner says, "THE BED?  I gotta get the bed."  So he goes to his Beverly Hills dealer and says "I don't care what it costs, I want THE BED!" Two weeks later he has his new Mercedes with a bed when he spots the other Mercedes-Benz. The car is parked at a restaurant, so he goes over and knocks on the rear window. After a short delay, the window comes down and the first guy says "hey, hey, I got THE BED!" The other guy, irritated, says  "You got me out of the shower for that?" (original source unknown)